Growing Humans and Other Life Things

As I sit down to bust out this blog post, I'm exhausted, on a hormonal rollercoaster, listening to my husband in the next room try to soothe the new tiny human who has recently entered our lives and wondering how the heck it's been 3 years since I actually blogged despite thinking about it several hundred times. An accumulation of those instances where I think, "maybe I should blog tonight about my recent race, major life change, etc..." then I think about what I would say in my blog, and - just like I reply to text messages in my head then realize a day later I never replied - three years later I'm finally typing something out. So there it is.
Three years ago, I was still working in corporate America in addition to my graphic design freelance work to keep side income coming in to pay down my student loans, sprinting from day to day, trying to fit in some sort of training so I could maintain my podium-finishes in my triathlon racing, and making sure I spent quality time with my then-boyfriend-now-husband, John. Social life? Yep, throw that in there too. That crazy life continued through 2016 and half of 2017...
In June of 2017, after a drastic change in leadership that took the company I worked for from "pretty good" to virtual hell-on-earth, I made a huge decision to leave that job after 8 years and go to work with my husband. It was one of the most frightening but most freeing decisions I've ever made. All eggs, one basket. Our basket. In September of 2017, I represented Team USA in my 2nd World Championship in Olympic Distance Triathlon in the Netherlands - without having to worry about how much PTO I had! But we also learned that when you own your own business and take a long vacation, WiFi is very important, and you still have to work (a little) to keep business running smoothly. It was a well-needed break before the next major life change that was most of 2018: childbearing.
Although my pregnancy was pretty smooth-sailing, I did not like it. No morning sickness (just a random bout of food poisoning around 3 months), no weird food cravings or aversions, no complications. I just did not like being pregnant. It was uncomfortable, annoying, did I mention UNCOMFORTABLE? At 30 weeks, I surprisingly was able to do a sprint-distance triathlon, which was also the last day I decided to run, but I did manage to place 5th Athena out of 17+. Ouch, pelvic bone. After that, physical activity gradually decreased. The last month was stupid. Little man decided to sit on my pelvic bone while I was 2 cm dilated for a whole month. The last week, I would hike 2 miles almost every day to try to get kiddo out. On his birth-day, I was so glad and petrified at the same time... no more pelvic pain, but now he was on the exterior, what the heck?!
I'm now 6+ weeks post-baby birth and still in what we refer to as "survival mode" - trying to sleep as much as we can, when we can (which is not a lot), eating, running our business, keeping up on our rental properties, and learning something new EVERY DAY about this new human in our lives that only knows how to communicate by crying right now. It's been a mental battle every day for me as I combat the fog and misery that is "post-partum". One day I'm planning race goals for this coming year as my "come-back" from pregnancy and childbirth, and the next day I'm wondering if I'll ever stop bleeding so I can get back in the dang pool, or if I'll ever be able to run again without my pelvis falling apart, and will my boobs get back to a size that I can run fast again? And other questions, like, What is a full night of sleep like? When can I get a facial and a massage in one day because I don't have to worry about breastfeeding? When can I get a 3-hour bike ride in after a swim if I can't hardly get in 30 minutes on the trainer right now? How can I edit more than 1/2 of a 2-minute video in one day without being interrupted by a crying baby? Why do people have more than one baby? Oh, it's been a glorious 6+ weeks.
Yet here we are, still alive and relatively well, and we're just taking each day as it comes; that's all we can do.
Looking back on the past few years though, as much as our lives have been completely turned upside down recently and in the spirit of this time of year, we are blessed and we have so much to be thankful for at the end of the day. I am grateful that I have the freedom and flexibility that I do in my life and career, that our tiny human is perfect in every way, and that my husband is loving, supportive, and imperfect like me. He also loves fast women (according to his shirt he likes to wear to my races), so I'll have to work on that...
For now, as this year comes to a close, we will relax together, focus on what matters most, and try not to let the small stuff bother us or to eat too much.

Learning Lessons: Finding Strength and Balance

One of the many things I've learned this past year is that when you're attempting to balance 2 jobs, training and a social life of sorts, something has to give... which is why I haven't posted since February!

Many updates in this post. First, my season. I finished 2 weeks ago with a strong 4th female overall finish at the S.O.S. Triathlon in upstate New York - and less than 30 seconds behind 3rd place in a 5:10:00 race. Despite my sub-par training schedule, consistency is king, along with excellent nutrition (Thanks HAMMER!).

I'm happy with my S.O.S. finish as my 1/2 distance in May didn't turn out so well. Although I managed a 3rd place age group finish then, it wasn't pretty. Freezing cold, no energy, slow. Much different than the 3rd overall finish I had just pulled out the week before. I rebounded quite a bit by August in the Rocky Mountain Triathlon, placing 2nd female overall and regaining some much-needed confidence.

The sub-par training is the result of work and committee meetings, but without work I wouldn't have any means of paying for this strenuous habit, so there's not much I can complain about. Finding balance for everything has been the hard part. Oh, and did I mention I bought a house with my significant other? We've been working on house projects on top of everything - landscaping, painting, etc for the past several months... as if I didn't have anything else to do. But it's all fun, because it's OUR house!

Take THAT, ex! (refer to previous post about horrible ex)

There's a saying that goes something like, "If you want to get something done, give it to a busy person." The funny thing about that is I feel like when I have a lot on my plate, I always figure out an efficient way to get it all done, yet when I have time to myself, I find that I procrastinate more...hmm.

So here I am at 9:20pm, after a full day at work, followed by a few hours of freelance, dinner, cleaning house, dog-playing, housewares shopping... I have a few minutes before heading to bed and hopefully wind down by reading a little. Perfect time to update the blog.

In reflection of the past several BUSY months, it's been a learning lesson in strength and balance; emotional and physical strength, work-play balance. Life will never be perfect, and just like house projects, nothing is ever finished, but rather a continuous work of art - constantly moving, changing and evolving.

As I hit another milestone birthday in just a few months, I look forward to what life has in store this coming year. I'm thankful I have an amazing man to share this life with, and I'm thankful for my ever-evolving career path and friends, weird and loving family, and so much more.

Switching Gears, Redefining Goals, And Finding Forgiveness

After taking a year "off" from racing due to hip surgery, I am once again looking forward to a competitive 2015 season, but this one feels different. I've set my first and last races of the season, but have yet to fill in the middle, and I'm struggling deciding how to do this.

Part of it is intimidation: I know how promising I was 2 years ago (pre-hip bust), but can I get there again?

Then there's the questions that spin over again in my head: Why do I keep getting iron-deficient despite continuing my regular dose of iron? How will this affect my ability to perform the way I want to? What about the extra commitments on my plate for work and life? How do I balance more?

The other part?
I'm lacking an inner drive I had, and the more I've thought about it, the closer I get to understanding myself. Stress has an amazing effect on the body whether we realize it or not...

Just over five years ago, I went through a horrible divorce. I had no money for an attorney at the time, but he did, and he got everything - house, all the nice things we bought together, etc. I was just thankful to have left alive at the time, so none of that mattered.

Then came the dreaded, even more horrible "rebound".

For 2 years, I had frequent anxiety attacks - heart palpitations, intense sweating, feelings of dread and shaking - sometimes for no reason at all, most times provoked by some sort of contact with my ex - a phone call, text, picture, etc.

Finally, I went through a healing process. I found myself again, and gradually built the ground up under my feet.

But this past year, on top of rehabbing my hip, I had to take my former spouse to court for contempt - ripping open scars I thought were well-healed and provoking the anxiety attacks once again. (He never refinanced the house in the 5 years since the divorce was final, though the separation agreement clearly stated he was to do so within 2 years). In the middle of all of this, my best buddy for over 11 years (my German Shepherd, Xena) passed away, tearing a hole in my already battered soul.

This seemingly "open and shut, black and white" case became excruciatingly painful as my ex pulled his typical manipulative tricks, and weaseled his way out of everything - including producing a forged Quit Claim Deed (he called it a "Quick Claim Deed" in court documents - idiot) with my name on it so he could snake his way through refinancing the house without me signing anything; he was able to refi before we appeared in court and the judge dismissed the case without so much as a slap on the wrist to him. How? Although he was making GOOD money in the military for 4 of those 5 years and could have easily refinanced, he did not - but since he had gotten out of the armed services recently, he used that in his defense. AS IF HE HAD ONLY BEEN WORKING MINIMUM WAGE FOR ALL THAT TIME... not to mention he's currently a private contractor, not reporting the thousands he actually makes, the 3/4 million dollar house he lives in with his horse on the property (cunningly financed under his new "wife"), and the new Harley and Jeep he bought in the past few years... note to self - do a lot more research before presenting your case.

It cost me a nice retainer fee to have an attorney in my corner this time (none of which was awarded back to me), and losing out on new-homeowner status - much-needed incentives to buy a house of my own - when I should have been new-homeowner-eligible 2 years ago.

BUT, it is done, and has been since October. Oddly enough however, on the day I picked up my small refund for the remainder of my retainer fee, I received an email from my former spouse. There was no reason for him to contact me, but curiosity got the best of me and I opened the email.

What I read was no less than what I expected from him, but hoped wouldn't be - an entire email that upon reading it, spelled out exactly why I left him in the first place. Several paragraphs that put me down, told me how pathetic I was to try to get money out of him, that I should find a better-paying job than triathlon, and that I should learn something from this.

When I read the email aloud to my significant-other and shared it with my close friends, the first thing they all said in one way or another was, "that is a WHOLE other level of crazy".
My feelings precisely... which is why I shared it. The email spooked me so much, that I was scared he would try to do something to hurt me again - which is what I finally figured out. He never refinanced the house because it was another way he could hurt me even though he wasn't part of my life; the email was his last effort to assert some control over me - to show how powerful he still was. PRICK.

I didn't reply. What could I have possibly said? That I'm a strong, beautiful, independent woman who he will never control? That I have an amazing job (and HAVE had the same amazing job for the past 5 years) where I am paid well, respected by my peers, and have made so many revered and special connections in the community, he could only dream of them? That I love the community I live in, and give back to it every chance I get - much of that is in the running and cycling industry, but much of it is also through working in partnership with several notable charities? Did he even know that THE DAY he sent that email, the local Business Journal had published a full-page article on me as a highlighted Young Professional in the community?  That I didn't need his stupid money, it was the principal of the whole thing? - Why even bother having a separation agreement if the courts won't uphold them and only give a pat on the back when one is followed only after being held in contempt? The truth is, even if I had told him that, he would have replied with something else that put me down - because that's what he always did. He would have wanted the last word. His last bit of control.

I struggle with forgiveness. I also know that each day that passes is another that separates me from him - but I don't know how long it will take for the wounds to heal. I have learned many things from the past several years, and the best thing is that I AM a strong, independent woman who was able to get out of an abusive relationship and move on successfully. I wasn't perfect in my relationship with my ex, and I'm not perfect now. I make mistakes (as hard as it is to admit), but I've learned recently what a good relationship is, and I love it. The man in my life now is kind, gentle, loving, respectful, understanding, silly, and just plain good. How lucky am I to have found that?

I will forgive with time, but I won't forget - it will just hurt less and the pain will eventually go away, but the memory will be there and serve as a reminder that I wasn't controlled or kept down.

Moving forward, I'm not sure what this next year holds, but I am striving for excellence, as a true perfectionist would, and acknowledging this life journey is just that. It's the scars that make us stronger... and make some good stories.

Thanks to my friends and family who have supported me and continue to support me on this path - I love you all! Cheers to kicking of a good 2015...

And if you see my ex, tell him how awesome I'm doing.

Progressing Past Hurdles

The past 4 months since my last post have been stuffed full of all sorts of stuff, mostly good, some not so good. All life.

One of the caveats to being in recovery and not training as much as usual is that you can work more. The bum side to that is now that I'm back in action, more work is not conducive to training. I'm having to find balance all over again, and it's tough.

The number one goal I set this year was to get healthy and strong so I can kick butt racing again next year, which is exactly what I needed to make sure I didn't push too soon to race, risking injury. However, since there are no races on the schedule until mid-September, the drive to train isn't really that strong. It has been a nice mental break though, and I welcome a summer of playing in my sport instead of racing every other weekend in it. The work is also a well-needed problem to have and because of the extra freelance load I've been able to take on during recovery, I've managed to pay off 99% of my surgery-related bills before June.

As the summer draws closer, and the load my body can handle increases, it's easier to get out and put some time in to regaining fitness - I've already noticed a significant increase in my strength and endurance, especially cardiovascular. Of course, just when I start to think it will never happen, I have a good day that makes all the work worth it, like kicking my boyfriend's butt up Barr Trail this past weekend (sorry John).

Speaking of noticing progress, I'm so thankful for Hammer Nutrition for supporting me through my recovery journey - what a great full-spectrum of products! I love knowing that what I'm fueling and nourishing myself with makes a difference - one I can see, feel and pass on to others. I've been honored to represent them at a few ladies' nights in town and love sharing the benefits of such a great company and product line. That is another huge motivation to continue on my path to regaining fitness!

The best thing about being active again: stress relief. What a great remedy endorphins are for life's drama! As my friend and mentor Mimi always says, "blow a bubble and move on"... well, I blow a lot of bubbles on my swims, bikes and runs - without those sessions, the bubbles would be hard to blow without a major amount of brain damage.

In a few weeks I will go back for my 24-week post op and hopefully not have any issues requiring my surgeon in the future. It's been a long road - completely different than any other I've been on - but it's been a good experience. If I've learned anything, it's to appreciate what you have when you have it and that patience is definitely a virtue.

Oh, and in case you're wondering... the butt cheeks are shrinking. More slowly than I would like, but that's progress in a nutshell!

Forks in the Road

As many of us know, just when we think we're gaining ground and figuring things out, there's always that fork in the road (as my dear friend Hannah knows) that makes you falter, change direction, land flat on your face, etc.

After my last entry post-worlds, I did in fact take some time off, saw a physical therapist, took more time off, all with no improvement. After some drilling down, we decided symptoms were pointing to something other than a torn/pulled adductor and an MRI was necessary. As it happened, I had a torn hip labrum that was the sole cause of my discomfort all season and the only road to repair and recovery was surgery.

I went under the knife December 30th, which was the first major surgery in my life and I was extremely nervous, but ready at the same time because I FINALLY knew why I wasn't getting better and this was the answer!

The first week post-op was unexpectedly easy. I didn't have to work, was on pain killers and muscle relaxers for the better part of it, and for the first time in months, my hip didn't hurt! The past 4 weeks since then have just been a test of patience. I was 50% weigh-bearing right off the anesthesia but on crutches. If there were anything ever so obnoxiously invasive of daily life, crutches take it. Enough said; I finally ditched those puppies last week and haven't missed them one bit.

While I can't really work out yet, I can do bridges on an exercise ball and flex my ever-growing butt cheeks. Oh, and sidestep with a little more resistance. From what I understand, at 6 weeks I'll be permitted to do more fun movements, but for now I must endure the pain in my chest like an adolescent girl and watch my boobs grow larger so my butt doesn't feel so bad. Now, by any stretch no one would consider me fat, but as an out-of-shape athlete unable to be an athlete in the sense we all know it, this is the hardest challenge I've met thus far in my active endeavors.

The light at the end of my tunnel is knowing the rest and recovery time I'm giving my body will eventually pay off. By summer, this blog post will seem light-years in the past and I'll be playing on the trails and wheels once again. The path from here to there is not entirely clear cut, and there is a long way to go before I'm feeling normal again, but the thought of a run/bike/swim/anything without the pain and discomfort I felt all last summer is exhilarating! In the meantime, I have a great support system that has been there for me through thick and thin, including my significant other John Haney, and my homes-away-from-home, The Colorado Running Company and Cafe Velo.

If I've learned anything else in the past several weeks, it's that recovery isn't just about following doc's orders. Nutrition and giving your body the nutrients it needs to heal is imperative. Thanks to Hammer Nutrition, I have a complete supplement support regiment and attribute much of my healing progress and success to their products. I don't think there is a more complete system out there and I am not only honored to represent them, but the 2 other local companies above as well.

Looking forward to 2014, my racing season won't be nearly as full as the past several years, but I am excited to 'play' this summer, building my fitness again and participating in some fun fall races. It's been a long time since I've been able to feel comfortable taking a weekend to go explore the mountains and not feel guilty about missing a 3 hour bike or 2 hour run, or both together...

My surgeon has told me I could continue to improve up to 2 years post-surgery - a daunting yet exciting possibility. While I don't ever want to see my surgeon after this for anything other than skiing and happy hour, he is -in my opinion - the best one I could have chosen for my surgery and I'd recommend him in a heartbeat. Thank you, Geoff Doner for helping me get my groove back.

This recovery will be long and challenging, so I will be posting more often than this blog boasts so far. Next time I hope to write about butt-cheek shrinkage.

A Bittersweet Close To The 2013 Season Tastes Surprisingly Good

After my last post, I raced 2 more Olympic Distances before traveling to London for the World Championship. Boulder Peak - where I competed as an 'elite age grouper' - was difficult to get through because of my nagging injury. I ended up 4th in my age group (not sure what place elite).

The following month was spent taking some time off, getting weekly 30 min neuromuscular massages, chiropractic appt's and LOTS of stretching. Over 3 months, with the help of PT's, MD's and more, we have deduced that the crash in my 1/2 Iron distance in the spring threw my body out of alignment. Doing 1-leg squats with a mis-aligned body tore my adductor, which then irritated the crap out of everything around it. From mid-July through just 3 weeks ago, it's been a delicate balance of trying to maintain fitness but not injuring myself any more.

The Steamboat Springs Triathlon was exactly 1 month before Worlds. The goal for that race was to hammer the swim (which didn't bother my adductor at all), push the bike as much as I could without pissing body parts off, and take the run REALLY easy. I was able to do all of the above - even left my TT bike at home just to not be tempted to push harder than I should. The 10k run was the slowest I have EVER run that distance (54+ mins), but knowing I didn't injure myself in the process was a good feeling.

John (my boyfriend) and I flew out to London overnight Wednesday September 11th with compression tights on, sporting Hammer Nutrition apparel, Ambien in-hand. Flying direct, non-stop from Denver to London Heathrow (arriving around noon Thursday the 12th) was the best decision in our travel plans we made. My bike was even out on the conveyor belt (no damage) by the time we breezed through customs. The public transportation system was a total breeze, partially thanks to the travel pass we bought which covered all public transport in London during peak and non-peak hours. Staying with our host - and new friend Monica at her flat was so comfortable and convenient, we felt like we were 'home'. Less than 2 blocks from a major Tube stop, getting to and from the race site and Team USA activities was very easy.

The weather throughout almost the entire trip was nothing short of typical London: Rainy, chilly. Race day morning was the exception. It was just VERY cold - but sunny! It was so cold that the 1500m swim was shortened to 750m due to the 42 degree (F) air temp and low 60s Serpentine water temp. I was a bit disappointed b/c I had worked very hard on my swim this summer - partly by choice, partly by injury default - and I was ready to rock it. I still swam decently, but by the time the pack had thinned out and was losing steam (while I felt great), we were exiting the water. The transition run from swim to bike was LONG. Same for the Bike to Run. With over 2000 athletes, the transition area was so big, they had to make it "fair" for everyone, so the officials had the T set up for everyone to run the same distance no matter where your area in T was. 7 mins out of my total 2:12 race time was T. Normally, my T times together are less than 3 mins, most less than 2.

The bike course was amazing, albeit very technical as expected. The 2-loop course took us around Hyde Park, THROUGH the Wellington Arch, in front of Buckingham Palace (twice!), along the Thames River, turning around at Tower Bridge, and back. My 1:09 bike time (40k) was not bad, but I did slow down through the technical areas so as not to crash and I slowed a bit more to enjoy some of the sites - when else would I get to do that again?

The run was 3 loops around the Serpentine lake in Hyde Park. Paved trail, flat. The first loop went pretty well - I went out fairly easy, concentrating on my stride and testing out the good ol' adductor. It did pretty well at just sub-7 min pace, so the 2nd loop I put the gas on a bit more. Coming into the 3rd loop, my body rebelled against that push. With no speed behind me and minimal run training all summer, I simply couldn't hold onto the  6:30 pace I wanted to push. I backed off, concentrated on my form and enjoyed the spectacle of the site. Making the ~180 turn into the finish shoot was a bittersweet feeling. I managed to bust out a small burst of speed to push the Aussie girl in front of me (she ended up having a better kick), and we shook hands and congratulated each other on the other side of the finish line. I had just finished my first World Championship - a huge accomplishment in itself - but not at the top of my ability. I did my best under the circumstances, and was proud to represent the USA at such a humbling event.

The next few days were spent touring London (even squeezed in a 2-day excursion to Paris), eating, drinking good wine, and soaking up everything we could in the 2 cities. It was a lot to fit in 1 week, but it was all SO worth it - even if it did leave us completely exhausted.

I am eternally grateful to all my sponsors this year - I could not have made the trip or had such great success without their support. I am also happy to report that my adductor is making good progress, which will make planning next season a bit easier and more exciting.

Bottoming Out

Piriformis, bottom, butt, tush, derier. Whatever you want to call it, it sure can cause a load of pain.

When you're a healthy athlete, you don't think about what it would be like if you weren't. You just enjoy being healthy and keep pushing your body to the next level.

When something hurts and is hindering your hard-earned progress, there is a feeling of overwhelming dread and hopelessness that starts to set in. You wonder if you'll ever feel 'healthy' again and what it would be like to run without pain radiating down your butt and hamstrings. That's what I've been experiencing for the past month. I've had 3 ART sessions, a neuromuscular massage, a dry-needling session and foam rolling every night. Last week I finally let up on the running. My butt is getting better, but it's not totally happy yet and it's been hard to stay positive.

I raced Loveland Lake 2 Lake Tri a few weekends ago and finished 1st in my age group, but it was a painful race - especially the run. I'm racing Boulder Peak this coming Sunday and am not sure how my rear end will hold up, or if racing will negate all the progress I have made in healing. I have no idea what I did to it. Well, I HAVE an idea, I just am not sure what ultimately pissed it off to begin with.

Thankfully, I'm still able to swim and bike without hardly an issue. So, this Sunday I'll see how hard I can hammer those 2 disciplines and run as best I can. I will be competing in the Age Group Elite category- which is exciting and intimidating at the same time. I am just hoping my butt can handle the pressure.

Being 'injured' also seems to cause additional stress in life. Getting past this increased burden has been another challenge for me. I try to keep my head up and look for the positives, the big picture and tell myself that all this will pass (and to never do 1-leg squats followed by speed work again). Until then, I look forward to the next day and make the most out of the day I have b/c worrying about anything else is as useless as "trying to solve a math problem by chewing bubble gum."

Bottoms up and out.