After taking a year "off" from racing due to hip surgery, I am once again looking forward to a competitive 2015 season, but this one feels different. I've set my first and last races of the season, but have yet to fill in the middle, and I'm struggling deciding how to do this.
Part of it is intimidation: I know how promising I was 2 years ago (pre-hip bust), but can I get there again?
Then there's the questions that spin over again in my head: Why do I keep getting iron-deficient despite continuing my regular dose of iron? How will this affect my ability to perform the way I want to? What about the extra commitments on my plate for work and life? How do I balance more?
The other part?
I'm lacking an inner drive I had, and the more I've thought about it, the closer I get to understanding myself. Stress has an amazing effect on the body whether we realize it or not...
Just over five years ago, I went through a horrible divorce. I had no money for an attorney at the time, but he did, and he got everything - house, all the nice things we bought together, etc. I was just thankful to have left alive at the time, so none of that mattered.
Then came the dreaded, even more horrible "rebound".
For 2 years, I had frequent anxiety attacks - heart palpitations, intense sweating, feelings of dread and shaking - sometimes for no reason at all, most times provoked by some sort of contact with my ex - a phone call, text, picture, etc.
Finally, I went through a healing process. I found myself again, and gradually built the ground up under my feet.
But this past year, on top of rehabbing my hip, I had to take my former spouse to court for contempt - ripping open scars I thought were well-healed and provoking the anxiety attacks once again. (He never refinanced the house in the 5 years since the divorce was final, though the separation agreement clearly stated he was to do so within 2 years). In the middle of all of this, my best buddy for over 11 years (my German Shepherd, Xena) passed away, tearing a hole in my already battered soul.
This seemingly "open and shut, black and white" case became excruciatingly painful as my ex pulled his typical manipulative tricks, and weaseled his way out of everything - including producing a forged Quit Claim Deed (he called it a "Quick Claim Deed" in court documents - idiot) with my name on it so he could snake his way through refinancing the house without me signing anything; he was able to refi before we appeared in court and the judge dismissed the case without so much as a slap on the wrist to him. How? Although he was making GOOD money in the military for 4 of those 5 years and could have easily refinanced, he did not - but since he had gotten out of the armed services recently, he used that in his defense. AS IF HE HAD ONLY BEEN WORKING MINIMUM WAGE FOR ALL THAT TIME... not to mention he's currently a private contractor, not reporting the thousands he actually makes, the 3/4 million dollar house he lives in with his horse on the property (cunningly financed under his new "wife"), and the new Harley and Jeep he bought in the past few years... note to self - do a lot more research before presenting your case.
It cost me a nice retainer fee to have an attorney in my corner this time (none of which was awarded back to me), and losing out on new-homeowner status - much-needed incentives to buy a house of my own - when I should have been new-homeowner-eligible 2 years ago.
BUT, it is done, and has been since October. Oddly enough however, on the day I picked up my small refund for the remainder of my retainer fee, I received an email from my former spouse. There was no reason for him to contact me, but curiosity got the best of me and I opened the email.
What I read was no less than what I expected from him, but hoped wouldn't be - an entire email that upon reading it, spelled out exactly why I left him in the first place. Several paragraphs that put me down, told me how pathetic I was to try to get money out of him, that I should find a better-paying job than triathlon, and that I should learn something from this.
When I read the email aloud to my significant-other and shared it with my close friends, the first thing they all said in one way or another was, "that is a WHOLE other level of crazy".
My feelings precisely... which is why I shared it. The email spooked me so much, that I was scared he would try to do something to hurt me again - which is what I finally figured out. He never refinanced the house because it was another way he could hurt me even though he wasn't part of my life; the email was his last effort to assert some control over me - to show how powerful he still was. PRICK.
I didn't reply. What could I have possibly said? That I'm a strong, beautiful, independent woman who he will never control? That I have an amazing job (and HAVE had the same amazing job for the past 5 years) where I am paid well, respected by my peers, and have made so many revered and special connections in the community, he could only dream of them? That I love the community I live in, and give back to it every chance I get - much of that is in the running and cycling industry, but much of it is also through working in partnership with several notable charities? Did he even know that THE DAY he sent that email, the local Business Journal had published a full-page article on me as a highlighted Young Professional in the community? That I didn't need his stupid money, it was the principal of the whole thing? - Why even bother having a separation agreement if the courts won't uphold them and only give a pat on the back when one is followed only after being held in contempt? The truth is, even if I had told him that, he would have replied with something else that put me down - because that's what he always did. He would have wanted the last word. His last bit of control.
I struggle with forgiveness. I also know that each day that passes is another that separates me from him - but I don't know how long it will take for the wounds to heal. I have learned many things from the past several years, and the best thing is that I AM a strong, independent woman who was able to get out of an abusive relationship and move on successfully. I wasn't perfect in my relationship with my ex, and I'm not perfect now. I make mistakes (as hard as it is to admit), but I've learned recently what a good relationship is, and I love it. The man in my life now is kind, gentle, loving, respectful, understanding, silly, and just plain good. How lucky am I to have found that?
I will forgive with time, but I won't forget - it will just hurt less and the pain will eventually go away, but the memory will be there and serve as a reminder that I wasn't controlled or kept down.
Moving forward, I'm not sure what this next year holds, but I am striving for excellence, as a true perfectionist would, and acknowledging this life journey is just that. It's the scars that make us stronger... and make some good stories.
Thanks to my friends and family who have supported me and continue to support me on this path - I love you all! Cheers to kicking of a good 2015...
And if you see my ex, tell him how awesome I'm doing.
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